Soda.....my favorite vice

SODA: This is my favorite of all my vices. The small aluminum can that shines forth red and gold caffeine free colors, bringing to me a familiar sound to my ear, smell to my nose and taste in my mouth. Especially during the summer time, which was the one time memories are filled with the enjoyable refreshment of Soda. O' to once again taste the greatness of that old familiar drink. Well, I did have one last night. I am trying to cut down on Soda, one particular brand but need not mention. I love it.

At least, I think I love it. I have put myself on a schedule (with the huge umption from my husband) to limit my drinks on shabbat only. That is Friday night to Saturday night. I remember my husband was in Echocardiography school, my mind draws a blank on the official name, but he studied and studied throughout the week but when shabbat came he didn't. He spent that time with me and at the time our daughter. I remember thinking at the end of the school that because he took the shabbat's off that God blessed him. I am hoping the God will do the same for me.

I know that is probably strange thinking but I believe will be the secret to my success.

I did okay on no soda this week I think. I drank tea, milk, coffee, and water. I have been questioning to my self the last few months, why? Why do I eat or drink the things I do. Why do I linger in this relationship? Why does this thing called food/drink have such a hold on me? I rack my mind to think of what it does for me and what I truly get out of it. I am afraid to right this down, which might make it real, but I don't think I get anything out of it anymore. Nothing is special anymore. Nothing becomes a true treat when you eat what you want all the time any time. I want that back. I want a treat. I want to be able to say "wow, I haven't had a soda in a long time, or a piece of chocolate" I want control back in my life. Does anyone else feel this way?

I honestly haven't prayed within the last week for God to help me in this struggle. That is my loss, but all I could really cry out was "Yeshua - Jesus" holding on to the scripture that all who call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. I know that it means salvation from sin, but I take it deep in my heart now to mean that he will save me from my self and save me from this dreadful challenge.


The hope is that if I can make it today, which I am, I can do it tomorrow. One step at a time, one breathe at a time and one prayer at a time. God answers them, I just have to be steadfast.

How I did today......

As my husband is out picking up some friends from the air force base, I sit here after a long day contemplating on what I did good to work toward my goal of health and losing weight. I thought and am still thinking, and, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything. I woke up and fed the family, went about getting my grocery list together and a load of dishes. I picked up McD's (I know. I Know. One of the no-no's) for us, and unloaded the groceries. I put some pictures on a disk that were saved on my hubby's phone and made dinner. I wish I could say at this point I curled up, read a good book and drank 5 glasses of water. I didn't. I ate dip and chips, did dishes and here I am.

I don't feel guilty but I do feel numb. I do feel like I am never going to get it, alone in my struggle with only onlookers that love me watching on but ultimately can't do it for me.

I was talking to the Lord today and I was telling Him that I wanted to do so many things, and desire so much to do things without dread or procrastination due to lack of energy: to get on the exercise bike, to make better choices, to be able to do things with my kids, be more active and motivated. Why is it so hard? Why does it feel as if I will never get together? I know how alcoholics, drug-addicts and anyone with addictive behaviors feel. It's like a person separated from their mind and heart. Your mind and heart know the right things to do but your body gives it one heck of a battle, a strong and hard battle until the final moment where you say "alright, I'll have a small piece" or "I have been good today I can afford a little bit of chocolate". Though your heart and mind hang in for another days battle, it lingers in a bit of failure and disappointment. Then comes hope again, waiting on my heart for it's chance to shine. It is a gift of God to help me I know. Hope....a small word but strong. I will hang on to another day because of my hope. My hope in Jesus, my hope that with His help I can do anything especially the impossible. I pray that you will have hope also. Victory is assured. This won't be my struggle forever nor will whatever it is you might struggle with.

The next day....

I returned from my appointment from the program that is helping me with my heart health (prevention of heart disease) I would like to say that I feel like such a failure. I am striving to lose weight so that all my labs and tests will go under the borderline level, but when it comes to my choices I just seem to make all bad ones.

When we were down to the beach for my husbands appointment, I saw in the hotel mirror a full length reflection of my self. I am not where I ever wanted to be in my health and body figure. When is it going to click that if I don't do it, it won't happen. I cry out to the Lord for help. I know He will help me, I just pray for strength to help myself.

Why do I not have the strength? Why do I want to give in to the foods that are good when in moderation but I seem to want or desire more than serving size? I know what to do, I know from many years of focus on my weight all the goods and bad's, the do's and don'ts, the forbidden and the permitted but something in me keeps me from making these right choices. It is going to sound funny but it feels like a wall. I run into when a I get to a certain point. I am caught in this circle that goes like this: First I want to lose weight so I get motivated and I eat and do good for a week then something happens that I lose focus and I eat and stop exercising than I get depressed and then go off the deep end further into the trenches of depression and overeating (the bad stuff) then this starts all over again.

I want to get off....I need to get off....I cry out even now, "Lord help me in my addiction to food, my addiction to coke (the soda not the drug) and in my depression. Help me to want to stop."

I still have hope.... I still have hope.....For all who read, if anyone, don't give up....who knows, let's see what tomorrow brings.

My Trip to DC

Todays journey: I am very overweight. The number, well, I just can't seem to get myself to put it in this blog. Maybe later. I feel very overwhelmed by the digits that haunt me. The person I see in the mirror isn't how I feel I look. I started a heart health program and they told me that everything in my life is borderline. That if I lose weight I will not be at risk for a lot of things that are attributed to weight problems such as diabetes, blood pressure issues etc... When they said that, it spurned a whole other issue: PANIC. Oh no, I have to lose weight, I have to exercise, it has to be done now. Yikes!!! Then comes the falling off the wagon, or in my case, hate the wagon and want something else to be my problem. Why couldn't I have trouble putting on weight? A truly legit issue but boy it would be good to put something in my mouth that won't be riddled with questions "how many calories, serving size, is this going to clog my arteries, how much exercise do I need to counteract these calories...." or guilt. They are endless. I pray and ask God for His help. He gives me great encouragement to hang on. Although I will fail a lot in this journey, I can stand up again and again and again...until I finally reach this goal. To be able to fit into those clothes that I bought and kept in my closet for 12 years. My wedding dress again or even a bathing suit. I'm not picky. So the journey begins today........ will I be victorious....we will see tomorrow!