Staring me in the face....

There it was, staring me in the face. A two tiered cake, that smelled of sugar and looked enticing. My daughters Bat Mitzvah. We danced, we sang, we ate and then came the cake. I had to dish out piece by piece the sweet smelling sugary delight to our lovely guests, when inside I was saying to myself - I want to eat the biggest piece known to man. I could just jump right into this pool of deliciousness. I got to thinking about this afterwards, why do I do this? Why do I feel as if there isn't going to be any for me, and feel I have to have a bunch of it? Why isn't a sliver enough?

I am seeking my soul in prayer for these answers. I don't know. Maybe somewhere in my heart, I feel left out, I feel deprived.
I grew up feeling as if I was a wall flower on the side of the room of life. I was invisible to the world. Something deeper maybe or just because I am a messed up human being that only because of Yeshua (Jesus) sacrifice did my life ever have meaning. (Which by the way I am truly grateful - I am growing to love Him more everyday and myself). I am not sure but one thing I do know, is that, He has given me hope, and I am going to use it.

Many are the plans....

Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords will that shall prevail..... I am living that now. How am I doing on my diet, losing weight, fighting the eternal battle of fitness? Well, I am not doing so well. I fell off the wagon and stayed off. I haven't been eating a lot but just back to cokes. I have no excuse. I could say that it is the stress (which I have a ton) I could say that its purely financial (which it is part) but I can't. I am making the choices. I don't know why other than I enjoy the sodas. I find denial to be a comfortable place. If I just ignore, or stay in denial about my problem than it will not be a problem. I know, I know, that is such a sad and untrue thought process.

The hope I have is that in my heart, I am not wanting to give up. I can't give up. To do that would be giving into the flesh. I sometimes pray that I could just zap it away. But it doesn't work that way. Walking through the muck and mire is the path less traveled.

Not giving up, just a valley in my journey.

Lord, I would love to be where in a place where I can soar on those wing of eagles. Love V.

Something else....

Have you ever wanted something so badly that every thing you do to get that something seems like a snails crawl to get it?
I have been a complete failure with my diet. I haven't exercised, I feel very tired. I cry to heaven that He would take this burden away completely. But He answers No, you need to go through this not out and around it.

Not good news but great love. This is the only day I have and only today must I be successful. If I can get through today, then I have been victorious.


Here I go......

To give up I'd be a fool...

Yesterday I went to blog and I totally forgot my password. Now that I remembered I am back. I love blogging because it gives me a sense of freedom. Freedom to say what I am thinking about weight and eating and food, and anything really. So here I go.....

I am almost at the end of my heart health program. Two more appointments and I am only in touch by email or phone. I like the fact that someone will call with the motivation to see how I am doing. To be honest, the program really did not help me. I went I guess expecting information, helpful hints, for them the professionals to give me tools and the methods to arm me for this challenging battle. Although, I think to myself.... grow up Vickie, no matter what they said, did or didn't do, if you want to change then you would.

I do desire so much to be at a desirable weight. I hate feeling overwhelmed with myself. Feeling as if I am losing out on so much because I am held back by my lack of energy and stamina. I hate going places. I hate eating out at restaurants. I hate having to look in the mall and see the racks filled with sizes way to small for me in abundance, and 1 or 2 stores that are my size but cost a fortune to buy. Yes, I know, it takes more material for us big girls than the small ones but for some reason it doesn't seem right. In those famous words of Charlie Brown Uuugghh!

Alright, I have totally vented, now back to reality. I have hard work to do. Am I going to give us ----- Yes....well...no! I can't for
the sake of myself, the Lord, and my family. I have this desire for a reason, and I can't ignore it. I can't give up. ....Here goes a song verse memory ---- what is that song that says "to give up I'd be a fool....OH! lamb of God--- I would be a fool.

This week has been to me a time of Jericho. Things in my heart that I have finally come to a conclusion that God has already knocked them down. I decided in my prayer time, that I was going to not believe any longer the lies that I tell my self planted by the enemy or low self esteem. I am a child of the living God and I am a new creation in Christ. Not what I think or feel about myself. I have challenges, eating and exercise challenges but those things are not me. They are the things that sustain me, but they are not me. If you think about it, everything we do here, is to either sustain us or grow us. Anything of the flesh I believe is to sustain us till that final day when the Lord meets us in the air. The growing part is anything we do to feed our soul and heart.

I hope that in any small part this is an encouragement to you. I hope that you will like me get on your knees and rest in Him (Yeshua - Jesus) and believe truth instead of the things that are told us. We are His, He chose us from the foundations of this world and that to me says that I am wanted, I am purposed and I am just who He wanted. So with that encouragement, I will check back next week to a another week of victory whether small or big, 1 or 10 steps forward or in my case .1 or 1 pound lighter.

Soda.....my favorite vice

SODA: This is my favorite of all my vices. The small aluminum can that shines forth red and gold caffeine free colors, bringing to me a familiar sound to my ear, smell to my nose and taste in my mouth. Especially during the summer time, which was the one time memories are filled with the enjoyable refreshment of Soda. O' to once again taste the greatness of that old familiar drink. Well, I did have one last night. I am trying to cut down on Soda, one particular brand but need not mention. I love it.

At least, I think I love it. I have put myself on a schedule (with the huge umption from my husband) to limit my drinks on shabbat only. That is Friday night to Saturday night. I remember my husband was in Echocardiography school, my mind draws a blank on the official name, but he studied and studied throughout the week but when shabbat came he didn't. He spent that time with me and at the time our daughter. I remember thinking at the end of the school that because he took the shabbat's off that God blessed him. I am hoping the God will do the same for me.

I know that is probably strange thinking but I believe will be the secret to my success.

I did okay on no soda this week I think. I drank tea, milk, coffee, and water. I have been questioning to my self the last few months, why? Why do I eat or drink the things I do. Why do I linger in this relationship? Why does this thing called food/drink have such a hold on me? I rack my mind to think of what it does for me and what I truly get out of it. I am afraid to right this down, which might make it real, but I don't think I get anything out of it anymore. Nothing is special anymore. Nothing becomes a true treat when you eat what you want all the time any time. I want that back. I want a treat. I want to be able to say "wow, I haven't had a soda in a long time, or a piece of chocolate" I want control back in my life. Does anyone else feel this way?

I honestly haven't prayed within the last week for God to help me in this struggle. That is my loss, but all I could really cry out was "Yeshua - Jesus" holding on to the scripture that all who call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. I know that it means salvation from sin, but I take it deep in my heart now to mean that he will save me from my self and save me from this dreadful challenge.


The hope is that if I can make it today, which I am, I can do it tomorrow. One step at a time, one breathe at a time and one prayer at a time. God answers them, I just have to be steadfast.

How I did today......

As my husband is out picking up some friends from the air force base, I sit here after a long day contemplating on what I did good to work toward my goal of health and losing weight. I thought and am still thinking, and, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything. I woke up and fed the family, went about getting my grocery list together and a load of dishes. I picked up McD's (I know. I Know. One of the no-no's) for us, and unloaded the groceries. I put some pictures on a disk that were saved on my hubby's phone and made dinner. I wish I could say at this point I curled up, read a good book and drank 5 glasses of water. I didn't. I ate dip and chips, did dishes and here I am.

I don't feel guilty but I do feel numb. I do feel like I am never going to get it, alone in my struggle with only onlookers that love me watching on but ultimately can't do it for me.

I was talking to the Lord today and I was telling Him that I wanted to do so many things, and desire so much to do things without dread or procrastination due to lack of energy: to get on the exercise bike, to make better choices, to be able to do things with my kids, be more active and motivated. Why is it so hard? Why does it feel as if I will never get together? I know how alcoholics, drug-addicts and anyone with addictive behaviors feel. It's like a person separated from their mind and heart. Your mind and heart know the right things to do but your body gives it one heck of a battle, a strong and hard battle until the final moment where you say "alright, I'll have a small piece" or "I have been good today I can afford a little bit of chocolate". Though your heart and mind hang in for another days battle, it lingers in a bit of failure and disappointment. Then comes hope again, waiting on my heart for it's chance to shine. It is a gift of God to help me I know. Hope....a small word but strong. I will hang on to another day because of my hope. My hope in Jesus, my hope that with His help I can do anything especially the impossible. I pray that you will have hope also. Victory is assured. This won't be my struggle forever nor will whatever it is you might struggle with.

The next day....

I returned from my appointment from the program that is helping me with my heart health (prevention of heart disease) I would like to say that I feel like such a failure. I am striving to lose weight so that all my labs and tests will go under the borderline level, but when it comes to my choices I just seem to make all bad ones.

When we were down to the beach for my husbands appointment, I saw in the hotel mirror a full length reflection of my self. I am not where I ever wanted to be in my health and body figure. When is it going to click that if I don't do it, it won't happen. I cry out to the Lord for help. I know He will help me, I just pray for strength to help myself.

Why do I not have the strength? Why do I want to give in to the foods that are good when in moderation but I seem to want or desire more than serving size? I know what to do, I know from many years of focus on my weight all the goods and bad's, the do's and don'ts, the forbidden and the permitted but something in me keeps me from making these right choices. It is going to sound funny but it feels like a wall. I run into when a I get to a certain point. I am caught in this circle that goes like this: First I want to lose weight so I get motivated and I eat and do good for a week then something happens that I lose focus and I eat and stop exercising than I get depressed and then go off the deep end further into the trenches of depression and overeating (the bad stuff) then this starts all over again.

I want to get off....I need to get off....I cry out even now, "Lord help me in my addiction to food, my addiction to coke (the soda not the drug) and in my depression. Help me to want to stop."

I still have hope.... I still have hope.....For all who read, if anyone, don't give up....who knows, let's see what tomorrow brings.